Friendship and Choices
I’ve been thinking about my life and my friendships. I think I lived most of my life making good choices and judgements — having good judgement and doing what I knew was right. I didn’t have any major problems or huge mistakes as some people do. I’ve always believed that you minimize your problems in life if you strive to do what is right and make choices from a good moral viewpoint. Then, when I reached about age 40, I made a couple big mistakes/poor choices. When I did make a poor choice, it had to be a big one. And, it cost me the only life-long true friendship I ever had. I’ve always had a pretty restrictive definition of true friendship. I’ve believed that true friendship was not what people commonly call being friends. What people commonly call “friends”, is what we called “acquaintances”. He and I both had the same viewpoint on friendship. We had talked about the saying of how true friendship was like one soul in two bodies and we thought it applied to our friendship. My father always said, “If you have one true friend in your life, you’re lucky.” I was lucky. We thought we would always be friends; true friends. And we were for 30+ years. I tried to be a true friend to him. Then, I ruined that friendship. We’ve made an effort to maintain the friendship since; but the friendship we’ve had since then is not like the one before. I wanted to fix it completely even though I don’t know that it’s possible. I think he doesn’t really desire to have the friendship, and I don’t blame him. I never would have dreamed I would have been in this place, especially of my own doing. I think I will never forgive myself. I think I will never have a good opinion of myself again.
How refreshing to see a man post a comment that is so….deep (for lack of a better word). Sorry, but I live in shallow Southern California, is this sort of thing is far too unusual. I understand what you are saying completely. I have always been fortunate with friends. My closest friend in the world is someone I have known for almost 25 years. She and I had a falling out a few years ago, and that falling out lasted for seven years! It started because I didn’t want to confront some difficulties, and I stuffed my emotions under the rug until I just blew up one day. It cost me dearly. However, I will never have a problem with confrontation again, and I speak my mind freely now. So I learned a valuable lesson. She and I patched our relationship, because she is my soulmate female version, and parts of my heart were missing without her in my life. It took a bit of time, but everything has finally rolled around to how it was originally. Your remorse sounds sincere–if the friendship was that strong, there is hope for it. I assume you have told him how you feel.
Yeah, I told him. We’re doing better now than we had been. The friendship is starting to feel like before. It will take awhile. But, he said he wanted to keep the friendship. So, that’s good.
I looked around at your blogs some… and found what I saw interesting. But, I’m falling asleep… so will look around more later.