So, this morning I had an appointment with Sharyn and then had to drive about 60 miles back the other direction to work. So, my time after the cut was filled with the drive…. which was filled with thinking related to Sharyn.

When I arrived at the salon, Sharyn was getting her hair finished for her halloween costume (a pirate) for tomorrow night.  Her worker was drying it for her. She introduce her new receptionist and then asked if I was in a hurry for time; whether the worker could finish drying the hair for her. The dogs were going crazy wanting into the shop, so she asked the receptionist to let them in because, “… they recognize it’s him and want to see him.” Only one dog — the young female — came out to greet me. As I waited, I noticed that the dog was having a problem with the left eye and mentioned it. We talked about the dog some.  Mostly, I was not feeling very talkative and it was a pretty quiet visit.  Normally, I would have been more friendly and talkative.   When I got to the chair, I was feeling like all I wanted was to get my hair cut, not talk, and leave the chair. Sharyn asked about the family and asked what I had been doing.  After a little while, she asked, “Have you been out riding?” I said, “I rode Sunday to Cooper’s Rock.”  I wanted to elaborate, but held to my decision to keep things as little personal and as much business as possible.  She said, “I am going to try to get out his weekend.” Again, I didn’t say anything.  I think she wanted to open up the door to discussing riding; so that it would allow one of us to ask the other to go riding.  I was not going to change my mind. If things are going to be anything other than business between us; they are going to be drastically different.  Otherwise, they stay the way they are.

Still…. seeing her affected me. She brings me a full range of thoughts and emotions whenever I am around her; even if it’s just for business. So, I had a lot to think about after leaving there.  I feel guilty of being somewhat cold and stand-offish to her.  I don’t know if it affects her at all; but the thought of hurting her feelings really bothers me. It’s just that I need to do what I need for protecting my own feelings and well-being. 

When she was talking to her receptionist about the party, I wanted to know more.  But, on the other hand, I didn’t want to know whether she would be going with the boyfriend.  I have those kinds of reactions all the time.  On the one hand, I want to know all there is to know about her.  On the other hand, I don’t want to know because I don’t want to feel the hurt… that sharp stab in my chest… when it’s obvious that I don’t matter to her.

Physically, she was looking a little tired, but looking as good as ever.  She had darkened her hair and made it long, curly, and wind-blown looking for the pirate outfit.  I could see her looking really good in that outfit.  But, then again, I think she looks good all the time. 

Overall, it was a mostly uneventful interaction; with my internal reactions being the hardest part.

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