Last evening was tough. I was feeling pretty down. Lots of emotions and thoughts going through my mind. I think — even though it centers around my feelings for Sharyn — that it’s not just about her; but also about my experience with romance in general. I was chatting with 3 or 4 people on I.M. about things. It let my mind ask questions and seek answers. I think that loving Jana opened up a huge hole in me that I just can’t seem to fill. Before that, I never had these kinds of problems. I had never loved before…. and once I did…. it left something missing in my being. I wonder why I start out as friends with these women…. and get so close that I have these strong feelings for them. I wonder sometimes if there isn’t something wrong with me that I keep doing this. I wonder why I cross that threshold instead of staying as friends. I can’t seem to keep the friendships that are some of the closest friendships of my life. Even they tell me that I am their closest friend. But, when I cross that line from friendship to romantic feelings, I lose the friendship in addition to not getting the romance that I want with them. Romance, btw, that isn’t even a consideration when I first meet them. But, somehow…. it goes beyond friendship at some point.
In addition to all of that… I’ve been having the typical, “Why am I not acceptable,” type thoughts. But, when I think about it…. I think it’s as much about who they are and where they are in the life-walk; as it is about me and who I am.
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